You may think you learned all you need to know about how to take a pitch meeting in Paige’s last column.
But that’s just the beginning of the story.
Here’s Part Two of her reply to “The Beav” about movie pitch meetings – the fantasy and the reality.
Over to you Paige.
B.E.
Dearest Eager,
What could possibly go wrong in a pitch meeting?
E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
As in anything possible, as well as things far beyond the furthest stretch of your imagination.
I’ve taken a seat on either side of the desk many a time. I’ve donned The Exec Hat, as well as worn a fetching Producer’s Chapeau, and let me tell you dear reader, just when you feel confident that you know how to pitch a movie idea, and what to expect in a pitch meeting, SURPRISE! Your sweet fantasy can turn into a terrifying nightmare in a flash.
The phone rings and the Exec takes the call.
Look politely off into the distance. Strive for invisibility.
The phone rings and the Exec does not take the call.
It just keeps ringing. Smoothest pitcher I ever saw in this situation said, “And then the phone rang,” and kept right on going with her story. Now that’s how to pitch a movie idea!
You start your pitch and the Exec says, “Stop!”
They have something similar in development and are cutting you off because they don’t want to get sued. Have another pitch or two prepared. Act as if you are unfazed. Nonchalantly josh, “Well you certainly have great taste,” and move on. “I’ve got a smart comedy with romance and a broad teen comedy. Would one of those be up your alley?”
The Exec hates, loathes, despises your idea from the word “Go,” and failed to pass Poker Face 101.
It hurts like hell as all the air is sucked out of the room, but you must press onward, pitching through the pain. Cut it as short as possible. Go for the highly condensed CliffsNotes version.
Those are pretty run of the mill scenarios that every writer should be prepared to face. I’ve survived meeting disasters too outlandish to be believable in a movie. A few are simply too painful to for me recount, but here are a few that put many horror movies to shame.
The Exec starts to fall asleep.
Yes.
Really.
I was having a delightful time developing a smart, high-concept thriller with a terribly handsome writer who had captivating green eyes and a sexy English accent. He was brilliant and a terrific storyteller however, when spotted strolling the halls of a studio, his agent’s phone rang with calls from woman execs eager to meet with him.
I booked pitch meetings all around the town. We were set for a late afternoon pitch when the Exec’s (presumably) busy schedule left us cooling our heels in the waiting room. Reluctant to simply bail, we stuck it out until at last, we were shown into the conference room dominated by a huge, round table.
By this time it was dark. The Exec sat across the vast expanse from us, parked her elbow on the table and propped her head up with her hand. As the hot writer pitched his heart out, ever so slowly, the Exec began sliding…
down…
down…
down…
along the polished wood surface.
The writer jumped up and began animatedly acting out what happened next.
Tragic.
Some catastrophes are so outlandish that they are simply entertaining.
My all-time favorite fiasco story comes from my gal pal Barri Evins who, as President of Debra Hill’s company, at one point had an office in the production trailer for Escape From LA. While hearing a pitch from a husband and wife team, one of the three doors to her office popped open and there was Kurt Russell, in his tighty-whities.
Kurt, ecstatic that fifteen years later he could still fit into his original Snake Plissken outfit, was expecting to find a costume designer on the other side of the door.
The writers, seated in the corner, couldn’t see a thing.
Kurt and Barri however, shared quite the wide-eyed double take.
Talk about “Pitch us interruptus!”
No lesson here about how to pitch a movie idea, other than “Expect the unexpected.”
Time to address a little correspondence from that overflowing email in box of mine.
You need answers. You deserve good ones.
I’m handing over today’s Q & A to the scintillating and smart Dr. Paige Turner.
I have every confidence she will deliver.
H-e-e-e-e-r-e’s Paige!
B.E.
Dear Doc Turner,
Long time reader; first time writer.
I have this fantasy that I just can’t get out of my head. I’m sitting in a well-appointed office. I’m enveloped in a big, leather chair. Everyone in the room is focused on me, waiting with baited breath. I can tell that they want me.
I’m taking a meeting.
A real, live, industry movie pitch meeting.
But that’s where the fantasy ends.
I’m simply dying to know what happens next.
Please tell me how this torrid tale plays out!
Eager Beaver
Dear Beav,
There’s nothing wrong with fantasy. Indulge yourself, you naughty writer you! Let your mind run wild with thoughts of driving off afterwards in the back seat of a limo.
But that’s a bit of a stretch. Here’s a taste of reality:
You will kill yourself to get to the meeting on time. When did LA traffic get this bad? Why doesn’t the studio map make sense?
Then you will wait. Your heart will pound with excitement and nerves. This meeting could change your life. Or you could throw up.
While you wait, you will be given water. If you take a lot of meetings, you will accumulate an impressive collection of half-drunk water bottles rolling around in the backseat of your car.
Trust me Beav, if there’s any rolling around going on in your backseat, it ought to be you and a companion.
Eventually, you will be ushered into the inner sanctum. Introductions are made.
Next, comes a charming ritual dance, performed to the tune of “Who Sits Where.” This game of musical chairs is ever more entertaining the more people there are in the room. You may have a co-writer with you or a producer. The Exec may have a Junior Exec along for the ride. Everyone grasps the convoluted subtext here and will do-si-do accordingly.
Mr. Big has his own, personal chair. Wait for him to sit so you don’t inadvertently park your own toochis in it. Once his position has been determined, then seat yourself. Here’s the important part – ensure that you are in his direct eye line.
Greet the Junior with enthusiasm! They may well rise up through the ranks one day. Then ignore them. Their little head will be hunkered down in frantic note-taking as, at present, that’s their sole purpose in the room.
Your producer should seat themselves where they can watch Big’s reaction, not you. This way, they can give you feedback in the post-meeting debrief on what’s working and what’s not.
If, by some chance, you do not have water at this point, Big will insist on having you watered as though the success of the entire meeting depends on your being wet. Regardless, you will barely have a chance to take more than a single sip.
NOTE: If you are at Disney, the Big Studio Exec will put his feet up on the table, sit on the back of the chair, or in some way oddly interact with the furniture in the pitch meeting.
I do not know why this is so. I can only say that I have observed this phenomenon many times. Far too many for it to be mere coincidence.
I suspect a secret Disney Studio Exec Handbook exists advising that intentionally treating the furniture as if you were hanging out at home injects a pseudo sense of laidback casualness into a meeting.
In fact, it is simply perplexing.
Once everyone is settled in, it’s time for the chitchat.
There will definitely be some. The Exec will lead the way, but it doesn’t hurt to have some lines of your own. Remarking about the weather is painfully cliché. You might bring up a successful recent film release; an exciting casting coup. A likely topic is the script that got you through the door. There has to have been one, otherwise, what’s the point of him meeting with you anyway?
BOOM! Foreplay is over in minutes.
Time to get down to business. If you’re there with a producer, they should have a tidy preamble all prepared; hit a few key points, then toss the ball to you. If not, it’s your job to shift seamlessly into the movie pitch, setting the tone of your film as you do.
When you reach Fade Out, it’s time for a little after play.
Exec will inevitably have some questions. And you will have good answers. If he simply gushes, you are probably dead in the water. Best-case scenario, he makes a few suggestions. Why? It’s how he makes his imprint on your work. To be blunt, he’s peeing on your story. You gamely praise his ideas. If you think they are truly off base, even “cray-cray,” throw in a “Hmm, fascinating! I’ll have to give that some serious thought.”
Perhaps you bat ideas back and forth. Fabulous – they’re engaged! They might ask what else you are working on. You have a succinct answer targeted to the company’s taste and mandate. Hopefully, they like what they hear and ask you to keep them posted. Bravo! A line of communication has been opened! Chances are slim that this pitch is going somewhere, but he likes you and your work enough to want more.
A little cuddling is ok, but don’t overstay your welcome.
We all know that a writer’s life is a solitary one. You struggle, isolated and alone. Suddenly, there you are in a room full of people hanging on your every word. It feels pretty damn good. Of course, they don’t want to hurt your feelings, but there’s no way you’re staying for breakfast.
When a writer doesn’t realize a pitch meeting is over, a skilled exec will start throwing signals.
Uncrossing their legs. Capping their pen. Leaning forward and scooting to the edge of the chair as if about to rise. Be sure to catch them. If you’ve spotted all of these, you have overstayed your welcome. Say something charming and make your exit, souvenir water bottle in hand.
Seems simple, doesn’t it? What could go possibly go wrong in a pitch meeting?
There are two great enemies to your success as a writer.
You might think it’s 1) not living in L.A. and 2) not having an agent.
But you’d be wrong.
Your time and creative juice are your greatest commodities as a writer. If you don’t have those, you won’t make progress. You are being robbed of them every single day.
You have to bring home the bacon, take out the trash, walk the dog, and put the kids to bed. Even if you do manage to carve out a little time, you can’t just turn on the creative juices on like a faucet and beautiful sentences will pour forth. One of the biggest obstacles to getting into the writing zone – that sweet spot where it just flows, is the siren song of distraction. It feeds on our fears and doubts and thrives on the human tendency to procrastinate.
This beast eats up minutes that turn to hours and consumes your energy and attention. Perhaps you are one of the few that is not afflicted. If so, lucky you!
I once had to stop writing a script to defrost the freezer because the icy build up was driving me mad. Eager to accomplish the task, I devised a special speed defrost technique that primarily involved a butcher knife. The Maytag Repairman wouldn’t recommend this.
“The Great Escape” starring Steve McQueen. Star in your own escape!
And now, neither would I.
What makes the killer of time and creativity a real horror story is that, all too often, “The call is coming from inside the house!” Perhaps you don’t feel like a prisoner trapped in your own workspace, but whether it’s your home office, your tool shed or a nifty set up on a studio lot, your regular writing space is packed with monsters and landmines there to sabotage you. Blake Snyder famous for the screenwriting book, Save the Cat. called this “Bungalow Fever” and advocated for “evacuating the premises.” Good advice.
Never underestimate the power of a change in location to switch things up. Routine has its advantages, but it can also become mind-numbing.
An afternoon or a day away can be refreshing. A weekend or a week in a new physical and mental space can truly reinvigorate you.
Screenwriting Retreats Around the World and Around the Corner
Experience exotic Costa Rica with Jacob Kruger. Long expanses of beach; yoga in the morning, movies at night and classes in between.
Dave Trottier will help you polish your script till it shines at Sundance.
Maybe you’d prefer a chateau in France with James Bonnet.
Screenwriter’s Summer Camp – A Retreat and a Career Boost
For me, when it comes to retreats I head for the hills, specifically a getaway to the mountains. This June I’m off to Screenwriter’s Summer Camp!
I’m thrilled to be returning to Idyllwild Arts Summer Program and teaching a weeklong intensive, Screenwriting Revolution: Creating and Marketing Successful Screenplays, June 16 through 20. It’s held in Idyllwild, CA, two hours East of Los Angeles, a half hour uphill, in the mountains above Palm Springs.
And since we’re so close to L.A., on our final day I’ll be importing high-level industry professionals devoted to getting to know you and work with you. Trust me, you won’t find these folks at a Pitch-a-palooza at any price, much less sitting across the table from you at lunch.
Maybe you’re not feeling as if you need to tunnel your way out of an escape-proof POW camp, but this is the opportunity to get away from work, family, friends, Facebook and give your career an enormous boost.
Screenwriters at all levels of experience and proficiency will build the skills, knowledge, concepts, and relationships needed to make breaking into the industry a reality. Develop ideas with expert guidance, hone essential professional skills, and gain invaluable personal and industry insight. Establish real industry relationships.
Spend a week focused on understanding the industry from the inside and how to use that newfound knowledge, create and develop concepts that will ignite industry interest. Discover your passions and your strengths to elevate your stories. Master the art of pitching with skill and confidence. Gain powerful tools, techniques, and templates that will revolutionize your writing process, making it faster and more successful.
Advance Assignments will take you on a journey of self-discovery, spark creativity, and give me insights into making your week truly transformational. You will thrive with intimate, one-on-one work, benefit from group exercises, and see structure with utter clarity as we watch and discuss a film together.
Our week culminates in a day spent developing relationships with three working industry professionals – an agent, development executive and studio executive or manager. Since we’re so close to Los Angeles, they’re leaving their offices to join us.
We begin with introductions and Q & A in the morning, and then enjoy getting to know one another on a personal basis over lunch. The afternoon is devoted to listening to your polished pitches, with a generous amount of time to provide feedback on concept, market potential, pitching technique, as well as advice on how to move your work forward in the marketplace.
When you’re not in class or writing, discover why Idyllwild is best described as “idyllic.” It is the ideal location for a screenwriting retreat. This quaint, yet sophisticated mile-high town has more elevation than population and is home to the arts and artists of all kinds.
You won’t find is parking meters, traffic lights, or a rush hour.
There are unique shops to explore; offering handcrafted art, clothing and “build-your-own” ice cream bars. Enjoy little ethnic restaurants, as well as gourmet fare with live music playing on the patio. There’s even a movie theatre, with one movie playing twice a day, and the only video and DVD rental store in its lobby!
Take a hike. Wander the fabulous trails or hit the challenging ones. Unwind to the sound of the wind whistling through the tall trees, inhale the pine-scented breeze, contemplate the spectacular vistas.
Retreat = Relax, Energize, Tune In, Realize, Evolve, Advance, Thrive
No matter where you choose go for your retreat, even if it’s just the local library or a cool coffee shop, “Get out, get out, get out of the house!” Give yourself and your career the time and energy they deserve.
Send yourself to Summer Camp! Get what you need to succeed.
The Other Side of The Desk: The Inside Scoop on Pitching
As a producer, I’ve been in every pitching situation imaginable, on both sides of the desk.
I’ve heard thousands of pitches from writers. I’ve brought pitches into every studio, often with A-list writers, directors and stars attached. From swank studio conference rooms to a cramped office inside an aged production trailer, I‘ve been there, done that. I’ve set up a cable film with a phone call and a newspaper clipping. With a single submission, I’ve set up a studio project based on a few sentence description of a short-lived TV series from decades past.
I’ve had execs thank me profusely for bringing in such an impressive story – and then pass. I’ve suffered through an exec who’ve failed to mask their dislike of a concept from the first minute, as well as an exec who failed to keep her eyes open in one of the most dynamic action dramas ever, until the arrestingly handsome writer jumped up and began acting it out.
I was listening to a pitch from a writing team, when the door to my office opened revealing – for my eyes only – a movie star clad only in his tidy whities. Shocked as I was, he expected to find his costume designer on the other side.
I’ve taken these experiences, the good, bad and downright painful, and become a Pitch Doctor. I specialize not in getting people to “Open up, stick out your tongue and say “Ah,” but to get them say “Ah-HA!” by helping them discover what to pitch, how to pitch and how to use pitching as a fast track to success.
When I first began teaching the art of pitching, I turned to my friend, the late Blake Snyder of Save the Cat fame, and asked, “What do writers really want to know about pitching?”
Blake insisted that what he and all other writers wanted was what we – the execs – are thinking in a pitch meeting.
What’s going on in our heads?
So here are some secrets from the other side of the desk – what executives won’t likely tell you in the room.
What really matters in a pitch and what simply shouldn’t be said.
Know the mistakes guaranteed to sink your pitch and the surefire ways to slam dunk it.
SEVEN SLAM DUNKS
Pitching perfection. Nothing but net!
A great hook – we can’t get it out of our minds. What I call a “Hooky Idea.”
You surprise us. We’ve heard it all, so actually fresh story, a twist we truly didn’t see coming, grabs us. A completely new twist on something we’ve see before is a total turn on.
We can immediately think of Male Stars for the hero, or better yet, Two Male Stars for the two leads.
We see trailer moments and a one-sheet.
You pitch something somehow similar to whatever was a huge hit or surprise success at the box office last weekend – but different.
You have a potential Four Quadrant concept, meaning it hits all segments of the movie going audience.
We know how to sell it and who will buy it – the Number One way to succeed.
SEVEN WAYS YOU’RE SUNK
It’s Execution Dependant! The deliciousness is in the details, not the concept. The Number One way to tank, as you simply cannot succeed. This should not be pitched – EVER. Go spec it. Write something marvelous. It may take you a hundred drafts, but ultimately it makes people passionate to bring it to the screen. Even if it doesn’t get sold, execs will want to have a project with you.
TEN seconds in the wrong world – not the world of your story – and we’re gone. If you don’t tell us the tone of your movie, we’ll start making it up in our heads. And it’s not likely to be the movie in your head. You will never get us back. There’s a very old saying, “There’s a fine line between comedy and tragedy.” And the reason it’s a very old saying is because it’s true.
We can’t follow your story. Where are we in the world, if it’s not here and now? Where are we in the story? Is this Act Two or still Act One? Take us by the hand and have your hero lead us into your world and your story.
We already have a project like it. We’ll cut you off immediately. We don’t want you to sue us for stealing your idea – an idea that we’re already developing. Don’t take it personally. If you don’t have something else ready to pitch, learn what we are looking for and get out. Live to fight another day.
You hit the genre we just “don’t get.” Everyone has them. Perhaps it’s just not our cup of tea; a story we don’t respond to for personal reasons. Be especially wary of black comedies and spoofs, which are very few people’s cup of tea.
Your idea does not fit our mandate. Do your homework; know who you’re pitching to. Don’t bring a girl’s coming of age story to Joel Silver’s company. Don’t pitch a story about toys that come to life in the attic to Pixar. Yes, that was a real pitch. Can’t make this stuff up.
All hat and no cattle. Academy Award® nominated writer Mark Fergus calls this, “All rocket, no bottle.” It seems like a hook, but there’s nothing to support it. The pieces don’t fit together. It sounds cool, but it makes no sense, has no structure and lacks the Essential Elements of story.
AND ONE BONUS as I’m seeing this so much lately in pitches and queries:
Never, ever tell us how successful your project is going to be. That there will be sequels, action figures and theme park rides. Even top studio marketing execs can’t determine this, so it makes you look like an amateur.
